relationships

I'll add an aggreement to part B. Even though on the
outside she may say ok, have a female as a close
friend...I know that for me I always end up
questioning myself as to what it is that this female
is giving him (friendship wise) that I can't give him.
If it's an acquaintence he's had for a long time
before me, I can understand. Or someone that maybe
enjoys an activity with him that I don't. But other
than that, when say my boyfriend makes this new female
friend that he'd rather spend time with doing average
stuff (like dinner, movie, whatever have you) I end up
wondering why I wasn't first choice in something like
that.

Boy, does THIS sound familiar! I had really been courted by my ex-husband
through
the mail, by letter, because he went away to school. I had met him towards
the end of
the summer and the first few flush weeks are far too lust-ridden to be the
basis of a life-long
commitment.

He was a great romantic letter writer, though, and we burned up the post
office air mail.
We even got engaged through the mail! Unfortunately, we got married in
person....

He had a history of abuse as a child, covered with scars his mother had
inflicted (she was in
and out of mental hospitals). I, on the otherhand, could not have had a
more loving, caring
set of parents. So, what I was doing - and the pattern struck for the
balance of my future
relationships - was marrying someone because I felt sorry for him. And
right before the
wedding there were a couple of instances where he was screaming and
physically abusive -
slapped me. But, dummy me, I accepted his excuses and apologies - another
precedent-setting
behavioral pattern on my part.

Anyway, after we were married the abuse continued and worsened. The only
good thing I can say
about the marriage is that I got out quickly, although two years seemed an
eternity under the circumstances,
and there had been no children born to the marriage. Thank God.

My daughter will not be as naive as was I, and I'm not sorry she's more
aware and cautious, but I am sorry
knowing the treatment at the hands of her father which taught her not to be
accepting and trusting of others.

I can totally relate to your feelings. I could not be happy living in those conditions no matter who I was living with!

How about putting together a schedule for the renovations with strict deadlines and a financial plan for getting it all done. You have to really express how important this is so he knows he can't just say okay,okay and then blow it off for another five years or so. You have to let him know this is making you think about leaving and that you don't want to leave so you need his help to correct this situation.

 

Yeah, it sounds like your place needs major work, and when a place is already in sad shape it's pretty easy to be 'a pig' because you figure the rest of the house looks like hell, one more thing not done isn't gonna matter much.

The other option you have is to just GET ANOTHER PLACE. Unless you really cannot afford it, it sounds like almost anything would be better; Maybe in an apartment or condo or something that you can get a fresh start in, it would be easier to say, hey, pick your socks up, or help me dust or whatever. You wouldn't be dealing with huge major things that need to be dealt with to clean up and are easy to put off because they seem so daunting.

Just because his parents own the house doesn't mean you HAVE to stay there - it sounds like another case of taking the path of least resistance. If you can afford to get a halfway decent apartment to live in, then you could work in whatever time you have to fix up the house without having to actually live there at the same time, getting in your own way. And still go home to a nice clean residency at the end of the day.